Do you ever just sit back, look at your life and think "What could possibly happen next!?" Today has been one of those days. Shocking as all hell, it's been a day with multiple hours of sitting around, almost feeling sorry for myself. I can't quite say why, but crying seems to be the better option. I'm not really much of a crier either. In fact, I think it makes me seem kind of weak. Although, I never judge another for letting out their emotions when the time is granted. But as for myself? Crying normally isn't an option. Don't get me wrong, yes, I've had my slip ups. I've cried out of the blue. Hated myself and every minute of it...but it happened.
The last few months have been a very trying time on me. I've thought less about myself, and more about what everyone else wants, or needs in their life, than my own. I've even tried to mold myself into what I think someone else thinks I should be. Come to find out, I was wrong, WAY wrong. But it all leads to me wonder...
How does someone (aka myself) stop, put yourself first, and then live to be scrutinized for it daily? I do not judge you for the mere mistakes you have made, do not criticize mine. I will not sit back and let you beat down my spirit because you are unable to fix your own. I am content with who I am. Strong, independent, passionate and caring. You will never find another like me. I will forever be me. Passive, accepting as well as cultured.
It's taken me a long time, but I've finally realize who I want to be and where I want to go in life. Living alone and finding true friends who really care how I am feeling today, not just about what or who I'm doing. Although, they are VERY few and far between...GOOD PEOPLE STILL EXIST.
I can not change, to be what you want. I can not let you be my soul purpose in life, when you never really were. I haven't a friend, I haven't a colleague, I haven't a foe whom can't relate in some way as to what I am feeling right now. Yet, I'm perfectly content with my decisions. The roads and paths that I have taken have molded me into who I am today, and damn it - DEAL WITH IT!
For those who've forgotten me, due to this "separation" and have taken a "side" when no sides have ever existed...I pity you. Not for just being a horrible judge of character, but because you lost the one person in your life whom would never do what you did to you. I don't take sides. I don't judge. I don't exclude...until you have wronged me. It makes me sad the way that drama has begun to rule our worlds. It's as if we're all acting out for some reality TV show that isn't being made. If someone truly means something to you, then take the time, pick up the phone, dial their number or even just send a damn text message. Just to see how they're doing today. Fuck what other people are going to think. Fuck if someone doesn't like it. People will only tolerate so much flakiness. We're not all perfect, this I understand. Don't leave one wondering where they stand.
Be the change.
Selfishness and vanity need to become extinct. Fuck the drama. Fuck the vein. Stand up and be that one person everyone is proud to say they know. Start a passive way of live. Looking back on your actions, owning up to them and moving on. Is it really so hard? Are the words "I'm sorry" really that hard to say? As stubborn as I can be, I've said them. Even, when I knew I wasn't the one who really needed to.
The fight to be happy shouldn't be a fight, but merely a journey. Let that journey be easy. Smile.
It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.
-BUDDHA
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