I remember being a child and laying out under the star filled sky at night. somewhere out there, the one guy, who was meant for my soul was also, at that exact moment in time, staring up at the same exact star as i, hoping i was doing the same, in return.
i remember asking the sky for hope. for answers to questions that were so much bigger than i'll ever be. being so young and wondering such complex things.
i used to believe that shooting stars were meant for me - and me alone. i always knew they were my grandpa saying hi to me, telling me that he's still there, still watching over me. i could feel the electricity from them. it'd start from the tip top of my head, run all the way through my body, until it burst right through the very tips of my toes. to this day i still believe all shooting stars were meant for me. no one will ever be able to convince me otherwise.
i remember laying on my back, nestled into my sleeping bag, camping on grandmas side lawn, staring up at the thinking night for hours on end. waiting for something magical. Dad and Jacob fast asleep - coyotes howling in the orchards surrounding. I'd be fighting my tiny, but oh so heavy eyelids, just waiting for the bright magic in the sky to begin. the random thunderstorm in a clear starlit sky or the miraculous never before seen commit... or that bright red, unexplained fireball fastly approaching that changes the world in the blink of an eye. my imagination always ran so free and wild in the night sky.
i waited for the angels to shine down upon me...to call me up because it was my turn to finally help change the world. but it has still never happened. i still wait every day for the man in the moon to send me my soulmate. the one who always stares back at me in the stars...who believes in me, even though we still have yet to cross paths.
i remember always feeling so free - so unjudged - so whimsical when it came to my dreams and the nights', starry sky. there's this pull...a connection i feel to it... to the soil and to the waves of the ocean. the peacefulness that i've never been able to explain. it just calms everything in my soul all at one time. my toes... grounded by the gravity of the earth but my head...lost among the cloudy star filled sky - dreaming and free. my heart...left so wild, as free as the sea, to ebb and flow with the changes in life. to be able to force itself to fit into anything, without feeling forced at all...to mold the world around it - to fit ever so perfectly into whatever space it wants to go. making it's path wherever it felt it needed to be.
i've come to learn that this world isn't the night sky - nor is it the days clouds or a surprise thunderstorm on a mid summers day. it's not dreams coming true under the Tuscan sun, or falling in love with my toes buried in the sand. i've come to terms that my heart isn't as forgiving as the vast, beautiful depths of the ocean, or as strong as a hurricane's toughest roaring winds. I know the ebb and flow of life doesn't begin with my soul...and end with his - whoever HE may be. I have known disappointment, and let down. i've been too familiar with pain and lies. i've been left by the ones who have promised never to leave and broken by those who have promised to fix. my expectations have dwindled and my gut reaction is always to run at the first signs of hesitation. but, i never do.
i always stay. i stay for the "What If's".
What if...
...this one is different ...this one stays ...this one is the one to finally break down the walls i have built up ... this one doesn't leave me for someone better ...this one sees my beautiful heart, instead of my beautiful face ...this one will stay until morning, or better yet ...until dinner tomorrow evening. ...this one was meant to push me through another horrible day...
What if... this one is the one sent from the stars.
