i never knew...

i never knew it was going to be you.
i never meant for it to be.
i never wanted to show anyone that side of me......until you came into my life.
as hard as i fought it, for years even, the harder it was to hide.
i thought if i could just stuff it all down, push it to the side...the feelings would dissipate [with traffic].
fall away, slowly. as i picked up moved onto new parts of my life.
i figured the farther away i made myself, the easier it would be to forget about you. it seemed valid [at the time].

...but tonight you're gone. you've never actually been here. you know nothing of what my apartment looks like. where i park my car every morning after a long night at work. the steps i have to walk up to my ever so gross patio. the front door in which i have to cross in order to get into my disorderly/messy apartment. you know nothing of my day to day life. my routine. or my eating habits. you know nothing of my family. i don't even think you know how many brothers and sisters i actually have. you don't know my mothers name, or my fathers for that matter...let alone any of my extended family. how much gas i have in the tank of my car. or even the amount of money in my bank account at the end of each month when i'm barely scraping by. you don't know the size of tshirt i wear, or the size of my shoes. you don't know my love for baths after a hard shift, or how i have a spare bedroom that i rarely go in to because the amount of clutter in it drives me crazy. you have no idea that i rarely clean. that i don't mind mess. that i hate scrubbing my shower let alone ever want to touch my toilet [but that one i still clean]. you don't know how i take my coffee, or my love for tea. or how i can take a recipe and flip it just to make it a little bit healthier and not make it disgusting. how i can usually find food in my fridge, enough for a meal, but i'd rather just get in the car and drive to mcdonald's for a small double cheeseburger because cooking means i'd have to clean, and well, we've been over that.
you don't know that i haven't been able to sweep my kitchen floor for over 2 months because it hurts to bend over. you don't know that the harder i try to get close to people the more they push me away by letting me down, every fucking time. you don't know that no one ever really comes over to actually visit with me. jeff is the only one who comes to hang out on the couch, and even then his wife has no idea and it's usually only for a really short time because he's a busy man, but at least he tries. you don't know about the shit i've had to put up with at work for attempting to have a social life on social media, that 75% of the time is way more glamorized than that my actual life. you don't know that i am so lonely it kills me inside. that the quieter it is, the more the walls scream at me.
you don't know how i blame myself....but you do know what i am talking about.
you don't really seem to know that much about my day to day life....but you know exactly who i am.
you know every corner of my heart. you can speak to my soul in a stead fast glance. you understand that my loneliness comes from all the shitty people i've ever crossed paths with. and you understand why i'm so hesitant in even making friends with people. you know  the reasons i react to certain things without me having to explain. most of the time you never even have to question me because you just know....but you still do it, just to humor me because i'm a woman with a vagina and we're sensitive and shit.
you know the dark corners of my soul. and you don't run. you say it's your bad knees...but i think it's merely the fact that everything you see in me, i see in you.
although i don't really know your intentions...i don't know what's always going on in your head...i understand a lot of your insecurities, but i question your actions. maybe it's my own insecurities screaming at me. that's my own issue.
i have to admit i've tried to be so honest with you. be 100% the entire time. going into this i never meant for this to be anything. but you swept me off my feet and i have yet to hit the floor.
so i have a confession.
i lied to you.
...remember the day that we finally every really spoke about our feelings....our emotions. i remember it like it was yesterday. you told me to be honest with you, tell you when i fell for you. i told you that it was sometime after the orchard...but it hit me outta the blue when you told me you guys were pregnant.
well....that's when i lied to you.
i've always known. from day one. that first phone call...a question about work. a 5 minute conversation turned into over an hour. that's when my heart knew. my brain was very slow at catching up with that one... but the conversation was so easy with you. it was like a slow sunday morning, on speed. ever since that day, whenever your name has lit up my phone, whether it be a phone call, or text...my heart races, my stomach gets butterflies and i start to grin like a kid, front row, at the circus.
i may have pushed it out of my head, pretended that it wasn't a thing. but the feelings were there. they always have been. i just denied them. i was married. you're still married. it wasn't anything i had any right to be in the middle of. when i got a divorce i thought that i'd finally find someone to come in and sweep me off my feet. someone to take the place of my ex husband.
i thought mj was that man. i tried to make him that man. he wanted to be that man. until we both shut down. i found myself thinking about you more and more. about what you were doing. or why i hadn't heard from you in a while. i remember thinking that you'd be fun. not only sexually, but just to even hang out with...as a friend. you seemed to understand my twisted humor a lot more than he did. a lot more than any of the guys on my roster. after the 3rd miscarriage you saved my life one night. ...i don't think i ever told you that.
i had a guy follow me back to my apartment, after a night out. i told you to call me in about 15 minutes, because i knew i was going to make a bad decision that night if i didn't keep a level head. you've always kept me level headed. when my phone started ringing he had me pinned down, underneath him, pulling my pants off and pulling his dick out. i couldn't move. it was about to go down, against my will. i had told him that my brother was a chippy and he was about to call, and if i didn't answer then he'd be making his way over in a heart beat, and would bust in the door and probably shoot him. your phone call saved me from probably being raped. now, i know i never told you that. but that was a pivotal moment in my adult life. later that day, i drove to san francisco to see a baseball game. just by change you sat a few rows over from us. i saw it as a sign. my angel, who never had any idea that he saved me. i never told you we were sitting so close to each other. i also never told mj you were there either...but i met him in a bathroom stall that afternoon and well, thought of you the entire time. then drove home with my ex husbands sister sitting in the passenger seat next to me. that's when i tried to get lost. i couldn't fight the feelings. i was running from something, but at the time i was still unsure what it was. i thought it was mj.
the fight in my head was over the connection i couldn't shake....with you.
today i wish i could hug you. kiss you every night before i fall asleep. i wish i could fold myself up into you and just breath. i've been suffocating these feelings for so long that i feel like i may be getting close to completely running out of air soon.
anyhow, that's when i lied to you. that's when i realized i loved you. but i had still yet to admit it to myself either. i knew i caught feelings before the orchard...from the first phone call, but i realized that i loved you way before i said i actually did. i don't know if i can ever tell you this. you won't understand. you're not my knight in shining armor. you're my knight in bent/beating/broken/dull armor. you've been beaten and blistered, fighting a battle in your own head. you think that the battle you fight is the most noble. you already know my thoughts on that. but i respect it. i understand it. i can't say the odds will ever be in my favor, but i would really like them to be.
i would really like to be yours someday. i wouldn't never hesitate, or question it. it'd be a yes in a heartbeat. you know this. you know you'll never have to fight another battle alone. Liv would never have to see her daddy fight one alone.
i want to be that woman. to you. to her. to mia. ...to the new baby. if you'd ever let me.
i know our situation now is more fucked up than it has ever been. i know you're in deep. i know you're in over your head and you're graciously attempting to smile through it...but you know you don't have to go through it feeling alone. i want to be there. i try to be there. i want to understand and i want to be that woman in your life that can hold your hand, and stand by your side until you're on your death bed. i want to be the last person you love. all those woman may have had you first...but i want to be your last. your dead last. i want to cherish my last seconds on earth with you... and i don't want to do it through text 50 miles away. i want to to be the first person you see when you wake in the morning and the last person you see when you close your eyes to dream. when we're old, and have nothing left, i want to be the 5150 lady that's talking shit to you and kicking over your walker. because i think smiling through life is way more important than faking a pretend family. i know the baggage you come with, and i for one, am nowhere near scared. if only you could see that i'm here to help. i'm here to accept half of your burdens and help keep your head straight, and get you to the end. you can't carry this weight all on your own. you need a friend.
i want to be that friend.
i am yours. always.

the end.

time moves so quickly alone.

no one to write about and nowhere to go.

the nights are as cold as they are empty.

i try to close my eyes and dream the good dreams.

of all of the times you were there for me.

when the sun shined brighter and the flowers bloomed wider.

colors were vivid and music was peaceful.

the night you disappeared was the night my entire life came crashing down around me.

i never imagined anything could ever hurt so bad.

breaking my leg, losing our child, grasping a hot iron...

nothing could have ever felt that bad.

the farthest i have ever been from love was this exact moment in time.

i have never felt so closed off, yet so open all at once.

maybe i'm imagining everything everything in my head

were you ever even real?

how did you manage to steal so many pieces of me?

where are you hiding them?

where are you hiding the pieces of me that you took with you?

where is the end to all of this pain?

how could you just leave...not a trace or a peep?

it took me a second to realize you were gone, weeks for the reality to set in, months for the tears to stop and years for the pain to never subside.

i don't ever expect you to come back around, nor would i want you to.

all i need is to know that the experience was real.

that this all wasn't just a dream.

we never broadcast the lows.
we only celebrate the highs.
posts with fake smiles.
SELFIE TIME
please, no more pictures.
no more fakes.
give me the raw, and the real... let the world figure out where you stand.
dear, if you could see your soul from my eyes, you would know that beauty is only skin deep.



he left. 2 years. wordless.
how can i feel him like he just left 10 minutes ago?
i've tried to let go...repeatedly.
some nights i cry. all alone. shameful.
he was never mine, but pretended i was his.
cut these cords and let it be.
practice self love and learn who i am?
but who am i, without him there, cheering me on to make that next jump?
encourage me to jump, and not look down...
he held my hand through so many set backs, downfalls...tumors.
then...vanished.
thin air can't keep me from feeling the awkward that he left behind.
but every day i'm looking for the man who will hold my hand again...
but this time lead me into the fire.




the last 2 years have been the wildest ride i've ever been on. cancer scare, to tumor, to homelessness, to loss, to even bigger losses.

shattered, shaken. defeated and deprived.
empathy still never left, but it should've at least drowned by now.
find me in this field of green, lying on my back, staring up to the clouds, as if the shapes were all of the answers.
let me be a child again. but, wait, don't.
i can't handle the broken. the bent. the bruised.
if it wasn't for this old soul, there's no way i would have lived to see 5.
at the age of 30 i feel life slipping farther than it did when my dad left.
father... rape, band of brothers...stolen childhood.
i don't trust. but daddy, please show me the light.
i waited for years for an apology.
but i don't dwell. i gave myself my own.
sitting here, empty room. empty space, around my sweat drenched body.
mattress thrown on the floor.
temporary places. temporary houses.
my home walked out of my life 2 years ago, without a word.
not even a good bye, or a middle finger.
i hope he feels the pain that i have felt every night i have laid here, shattered by the words i now know to be lies.
i want them to ricochet through his head, bouncing from wall to wall.
my voice haunting his every thought. his every dream.
i want him to suffer like i have had to.
i need to learn to hate him....need to have that final word. the final FUCK YOU!
being left by every male, since the age of 4 really changes who you are as a woman.
when you find the one... whom you thought would at least be in your life, until one of your souls moves on to a new body....
and he leaves you to go back to his...
you really start to learn even more about yourself.
the loss was never really him. it was never really what you wanted it to be.
you realize, you never grieved the loss of your father, even though he stands in front of you today, and doesn't even know your favorite color, or the size of your shoes.
a man that left you for drugs, 30 years ago.
he will never be what you wanted him to be.
nor will i be enough for him to care.

unfinished poems

i used to sit under the night sky and dream.

pick out shooting stars and wish for you.

then one night you appeared.

endless green eyes, crooked smile.

dirty jeans and boots warn thin.

shirt unraveled...

workin' hands.

i was mesmerised. mostly smitten.

most of our days were spent in deep conversationl

lying next to you, laughing. 

our bellies ached for each other.

my heart sank every time you had to leave.

your life there. mine here. 

in those moments we only existed for each other.

we kept ourself hidden from the rest of the world.

late night dinners. slow dances in the barn.

you'd strum your guitar and i'd sing for you. you for me.

bottles of champagne, under the night sky.

wandering aimlessly on horseback until sunrise.

two dreams shattered when the little pink positive turned to a negative only after two months.

i waited for you to come back around.

dreamt of the days we'd be back to giggles and sweet kisses under the moonlight.

i waited for your strong embrace.

your shoulder to cry on.

but you weren't there. time grew longer. the days turned darker. 

so much left unsaid, our connection torn.

i heard you left the country, so i waited for your return.

we were supposed to grow old together.

then, an unexpected call changed us forever.

"I'm sick, B".

i wouldn't trade those last few days for the world.

just us. latching onto everything we once were. 

you poured your heart out.

talking grew rough. breathing got harder.

waiting for you to wake up, your mom held the phone to your ear everyday.

i watched you slip into that eternal dark that night.

my breath escaped me as your took your last.

so many words left unspoken. feelings left unresolved.

poems unfinished.

-b

never ending story

there was never any ending...
it's what i waited for, what i yearned for.
the closure to that beautifully chaotic chapter.
"the end" was never written at the end of our love affair.
no conclusion to ease my soul... no bidding you adieu.
i'm left to create my own ending to this tragic saga.
not sure to hate you, or to place blame upon my own self for not fully reading the "tragedy" caution on the front cover.
i was so lost in the enchantment and wander of the words you had so carefully written for me that i sometimes even forgot to breathe.
your words kept me so enthralled.
my nose was stuck in your pages as if it were sewn directly into your seams.
bound (to you) and published without a final chapter. 
it's a never written, never ending story of hopeless despair...
i'm left waiting for the conclusion to a story that will never have an end.

-b

oh stary night

I remember being a child and laying out under the star filled sky at night. somewhere out there, the one guy, who was meant for my soul was also, at that exact moment in time, staring up at the same exact star as i, hoping i was doing the same, in return.
i remember asking the sky for hope. for answers to questions that were so much bigger than i'll ever be. being so young and wondering such complex things.
i used to believe that shooting stars were meant for me - and me alone. i always knew they were my grandpa saying hi to me, telling me that he's still there, still watching over me. i could feel the electricity from them. it'd start from the tip top of my head, run all the way through my body, until it burst right through the very tips of my toes. to this day i still believe all shooting stars were meant for me. no one will ever be able to convince me otherwise.
i remember laying on my back, nestled into my sleeping bag, camping on grandmas side lawn, staring up at the thinking night for hours on end. waiting for something magical. Dad and Jacob fast asleep - coyotes howling in the orchards surrounding. I'd be fighting my tiny, but oh so heavy eyelids, just waiting for the bright magic in the sky to begin. the random thunderstorm in a clear starlit sky or the miraculous never before seen commit... or that bright red, unexplained fireball fastly approaching that changes the world in the blink of an eye. my imagination always ran so free and wild in the night sky.

i waited for the angels to shine down upon me...to call me up because it was my turn to finally help change the world. but it has still never happened. i still wait every day for the man in the moon to send me my soulmate. the one who always stares back at me in the stars...who believes in me, even though we still have yet to cross paths.
i remember always feeling so free - so unjudged - so whimsical when it came to my dreams and the nights', starry sky. there's this pull...a connection i feel to it... to the soil and to the waves of the ocean. the peacefulness that i've never been able to explain. it just calms everything in my soul all at one time. my toes... grounded by the gravity of the earth but my head...lost among the cloudy star filled sky - dreaming and free. my heart...left so wild, as free as the sea, to ebb and flow with the changes in life. to be able to force itself to fit into anything, without feeling forced at all...to mold the world around it - to fit ever so perfectly into whatever space it wants to go. making it's path wherever it felt it needed to be.
i've come to learn that this world isn't the night sky - nor is it the days clouds or a surprise thunderstorm on a mid summers day. it's not dreams coming true under the Tuscan sun, or falling in love with my toes buried in the sand. i've come to terms that my heart isn't as forgiving as the vast, beautiful depths of the ocean, or as strong as a hurricane's toughest roaring winds. I know the ebb and flow of life doesn't begin with my soul...and end with his - whoever HE may be. I have known disappointment, and let down. i've been too familiar with pain and lies. i've been left by the ones who have promised never to leave and broken by those who have promised to fix. my expectations have dwindled and my gut reaction is always to run at the first signs of hesitation. but, i never do.
i always stay. i stay for the "What If's".
What if...
 ...this one is different ...this one stays ...this one is the one to finally break down the walls i have built up ... this one doesn't leave me for someone better ...this one sees my beautiful heart, instead of my beautiful face ...this one will stay until morning, or better yet ...until dinner tomorrow evening. ...this one was meant to push me through another horrible day...
What if... this one is the one sent from the stars.

the world can suck my dick.

i don't care if no one reads my blog posts, or their eyes ever partake in the reading of my poetry or deep, ridiculous thoughts.

all i care about it someday hopefully writing something that will help to better one persons life.
my close friends say that i should write a book. compile all of my work into one meaningful mess of bound pages and sell it to the world. but the more and more i reread my words the more and more i want to change every word, on every page. how the emotion that i was feeling at the time that i wrote those things are now different and i think to myself that i should change it to reflect my new, "profound" look on life...at that moment in time. my minds spins in so many different circles and i think so many different, fucked up thoughts, that the harder i try to express them, the more the idea changes. i honestly think i'm completely full of shit.

so i will continue to post my shitty poetry on this god forsaken blog, because the more my own thoughts drive me insane, the more i want you bitches to roll your eyes and think i'm fucking crazy, or stupid, or full of ridiculous things. suffer with me. it'll be our secret.

i keep telling myself to just walk away.
but 99% of the time i can't find my shoes.
and all of my socks have holes.


....
....

strategically placed words. throughout the page.
all describing you.
ever so intricately molded and arranged to articulate and describe you perfectly to the world.
the depth in your eyes.
the richness in your smile.
the gentle in your touch.
you are thrown all over this page in such a beautiful way.
so beautiful i wish i could show you to the world.

how many times i've just wanted to melt into your arms.
into you.
completely.
how many times i've wanted to tell you that i love the feeling of our bodies pressed into one another.
how you feel like home to me.
how many times i've wanted to wake up next to you, in the early morning,
lean over and kiss you so.
tell you all of the things i long to say.
how many times will my heart just not allow me to say any of these thing to you?
why do i always just pretend to watch you sleep?

...

...

owned.
bound to the devil by a few meaningless words.
imprisoned.
in my own mind, amongst my own demons.

fear.

of his red eyes that burn through my flesh.

shackled.
no longer to your heart, or your bed, but to this emptiness you've left behind.
bound.
to you through every unfulfilled promise every whispered into the dark over the phone during erotic conversations.

wanting.
to let go of every last flame that i have yet been able to smother.
broken.

my heart, the day it realized you were never going to make me yours.