Yesterday was a turning point in my oh-so-short life. An ending to the last ten years that should be celebrated, but with only content. Yet, for some reason I'm left with this slightly empty feeling. Blasted back into the yesterdays and wondering where exactly everything took that wild and crazy turn. I've never really talked about what happened with the ex husband, nor do I find myself ever really wanting to either. It's safer being buried, deep, deep down inside both of us. Intimately, a secret for the rest of eternity is okay with me...and him, I presume.
On a much happier note, I'm back. Finding the urge to write. What about? I'm not really sure, but I now know that when I do, things inside me just open up. So, I'm thinking this may fill that empty void that is there, somewhere. Maybe, since my life is seriously turning into this almost morbid case of living on the couch and the softball field, twice a week, that I need a new hobby, so I'm thinking short stories? Funny imaginative things, in which I hope could happen to myself one day? Seems too tedious. Too far fetched. Too cliche. I couldn't possibly come up with anything interesting to fake. So...where shall I go with the rest of this post? Nothing interesting happens to me anymore. I've basically cut dating/men out of my life. I call it a "man fast". It's easier to hold them at a far, then to let them in and break you down into a million different pieces.
There has been only one who passes the "man fast" rule. Of course, he's not really aware of my every day personal life, so it makes everything a thousand times easier. He may be a secret, a very dirty one, but don't we all have those? Don't we all try and win over the one person who we know it'll never happen with!? We keep this image of "maybe someday" stored deep down, but never talk about it...because that would be excruciatingly painful to EVER bring up. Admitting to ones self, the one thing you've kept buried, for whatever length of time, never seems so easy when you're trying to sort things out for yourself. So a secret it will stay.
But little does he know that I have mentioned him on here. I'm not sure if he'd be excited, or on his way to my quaint apartment to off me, in a quick, unfashionable matter. I think he really has this dark side that could compel him to do so...if the situation every arose and it needed to be done. He just might have it in him. Then again, I'm not sure if that's just the joke we have between each other, or if it's really him trying to come forward and confess his true feelings...man, now I'm sorta scared for myself. Worry wrinkles - GO AWAY!
I'm turning things around. Going forward and not looking back...okay, maybe I'll look into the rear view mirror, every once in a while...maybe to parallel park, or to see what those red and blue lights are behind me, but other than that, no dipping back into those memories. Only goodness from here on out! Those who are with me REJOICE. Reverence and loyalty. We all need it. I shall give it. I will be "that girl"! ...No no no, not the Jesus loving Facebook freak, who continuously posts of His glory and always tries to get you to join her at church on Sunday, or that cat lady (although, someday I may just be here, with ten cats, a shopping cart and paper bags full of bird seed). Positivity and hope.
Oh fuck, it it. I'm too tired for this. How about a cigar, a glass of whiskey and that hot cowboy who keeps running from me!? Sounds soooooooo much better....
