i never knew...

i never knew it was going to be you.
i never meant for it to be.
i never wanted to show anyone that side of me......until you came into my life.
as hard as i fought it, for years even, the harder it was to hide.
i thought if i could just stuff it all down, push it to the side...the feelings would dissipate [with traffic].
fall away, slowly. as i picked up moved onto new parts of my life.
i figured the farther away i made myself, the easier it would be to forget about you. it seemed valid [at the time].

...but tonight you're gone. you've never actually been here. you know nothing of what my apartment looks like. where i park my car every morning after a long night at work. the steps i have to walk up to my ever so gross patio. the front door in which i have to cross in order to get into my disorderly/messy apartment. you know nothing of my day to day life. my routine. or my eating habits. you know nothing of my family. i don't even think you know how many brothers and sisters i actually have. you don't know my mothers name, or my fathers for that matter...let alone any of my extended family. how much gas i have in the tank of my car. or even the amount of money in my bank account at the end of each month when i'm barely scraping by. you don't know the size of tshirt i wear, or the size of my shoes. you don't know my love for baths after a hard shift, or how i have a spare bedroom that i rarely go in to because the amount of clutter in it drives me crazy. you have no idea that i rarely clean. that i don't mind mess. that i hate scrubbing my shower let alone ever want to touch my toilet [but that one i still clean]. you don't know how i take my coffee, or my love for tea. or how i can take a recipe and flip it just to make it a little bit healthier and not make it disgusting. how i can usually find food in my fridge, enough for a meal, but i'd rather just get in the car and drive to mcdonald's for a small double cheeseburger because cooking means i'd have to clean, and well, we've been over that.
you don't know that i haven't been able to sweep my kitchen floor for over 2 months because it hurts to bend over. you don't know that the harder i try to get close to people the more they push me away by letting me down, every fucking time. you don't know that no one ever really comes over to actually visit with me. jeff is the only one who comes to hang out on the couch, and even then his wife has no idea and it's usually only for a really short time because he's a busy man, but at least he tries. you don't know about the shit i've had to put up with at work for attempting to have a social life on social media, that 75% of the time is way more glamorized than that my actual life. you don't know that i am so lonely it kills me inside. that the quieter it is, the more the walls scream at me.
you don't know how i blame myself....but you do know what i am talking about.
you don't really seem to know that much about my day to day life....but you know exactly who i am.
you know every corner of my heart. you can speak to my soul in a stead fast glance. you understand that my loneliness comes from all the shitty people i've ever crossed paths with. and you understand why i'm so hesitant in even making friends with people. you know  the reasons i react to certain things without me having to explain. most of the time you never even have to question me because you just know....but you still do it, just to humor me because i'm a woman with a vagina and we're sensitive and shit.
you know the dark corners of my soul. and you don't run. you say it's your bad knees...but i think it's merely the fact that everything you see in me, i see in you.
although i don't really know your intentions...i don't know what's always going on in your head...i understand a lot of your insecurities, but i question your actions. maybe it's my own insecurities screaming at me. that's my own issue.
i have to admit i've tried to be so honest with you. be 100% the entire time. going into this i never meant for this to be anything. but you swept me off my feet and i have yet to hit the floor.
so i have a confession.
i lied to you.
...remember the day that we finally every really spoke about our feelings....our emotions. i remember it like it was yesterday. you told me to be honest with you, tell you when i fell for you. i told you that it was sometime after the orchard...but it hit me outta the blue when you told me you guys were pregnant.
well....that's when i lied to you.
i've always known. from day one. that first phone call...a question about work. a 5 minute conversation turned into over an hour. that's when my heart knew. my brain was very slow at catching up with that one... but the conversation was so easy with you. it was like a slow sunday morning, on speed. ever since that day, whenever your name has lit up my phone, whether it be a phone call, or text...my heart races, my stomach gets butterflies and i start to grin like a kid, front row, at the circus.
i may have pushed it out of my head, pretended that it wasn't a thing. but the feelings were there. they always have been. i just denied them. i was married. you're still married. it wasn't anything i had any right to be in the middle of. when i got a divorce i thought that i'd finally find someone to come in and sweep me off my feet. someone to take the place of my ex husband.
i thought mj was that man. i tried to make him that man. he wanted to be that man. until we both shut down. i found myself thinking about you more and more. about what you were doing. or why i hadn't heard from you in a while. i remember thinking that you'd be fun. not only sexually, but just to even hang out with...as a friend. you seemed to understand my twisted humor a lot more than he did. a lot more than any of the guys on my roster. after the 3rd miscarriage you saved my life one night. ...i don't think i ever told you that.
i had a guy follow me back to my apartment, after a night out. i told you to call me in about 15 minutes, because i knew i was going to make a bad decision that night if i didn't keep a level head. you've always kept me level headed. when my phone started ringing he had me pinned down, underneath him, pulling my pants off and pulling his dick out. i couldn't move. it was about to go down, against my will. i had told him that my brother was a chippy and he was about to call, and if i didn't answer then he'd be making his way over in a heart beat, and would bust in the door and probably shoot him. your phone call saved me from probably being raped. now, i know i never told you that. but that was a pivotal moment in my adult life. later that day, i drove to san francisco to see a baseball game. just by change you sat a few rows over from us. i saw it as a sign. my angel, who never had any idea that he saved me. i never told you we were sitting so close to each other. i also never told mj you were there either...but i met him in a bathroom stall that afternoon and well, thought of you the entire time. then drove home with my ex husbands sister sitting in the passenger seat next to me. that's when i tried to get lost. i couldn't fight the feelings. i was running from something, but at the time i was still unsure what it was. i thought it was mj.
the fight in my head was over the connection i couldn't shake....with you.
today i wish i could hug you. kiss you every night before i fall asleep. i wish i could fold myself up into you and just breath. i've been suffocating these feelings for so long that i feel like i may be getting close to completely running out of air soon.
anyhow, that's when i lied to you. that's when i realized i loved you. but i had still yet to admit it to myself either. i knew i caught feelings before the orchard...from the first phone call, but i realized that i loved you way before i said i actually did. i don't know if i can ever tell you this. you won't understand. you're not my knight in shining armor. you're my knight in bent/beating/broken/dull armor. you've been beaten and blistered, fighting a battle in your own head. you think that the battle you fight is the most noble. you already know my thoughts on that. but i respect it. i understand it. i can't say the odds will ever be in my favor, but i would really like them to be.
i would really like to be yours someday. i wouldn't never hesitate, or question it. it'd be a yes in a heartbeat. you know this. you know you'll never have to fight another battle alone. Liv would never have to see her daddy fight one alone.
i want to be that woman. to you. to her. to mia. ...to the new baby. if you'd ever let me.
i know our situation now is more fucked up than it has ever been. i know you're in deep. i know you're in over your head and you're graciously attempting to smile through it...but you know you don't have to go through it feeling alone. i want to be there. i try to be there. i want to understand and i want to be that woman in your life that can hold your hand, and stand by your side until you're on your death bed. i want to be the last person you love. all those woman may have had you first...but i want to be your last. your dead last. i want to cherish my last seconds on earth with you... and i don't want to do it through text 50 miles away. i want to to be the first person you see when you wake in the morning and the last person you see when you close your eyes to dream. when we're old, and have nothing left, i want to be the 5150 lady that's talking shit to you and kicking over your walker. because i think smiling through life is way more important than faking a pretend family. i know the baggage you come with, and i for one, am nowhere near scared. if only you could see that i'm here to help. i'm here to accept half of your burdens and help keep your head straight, and get you to the end. you can't carry this weight all on your own. you need a friend.
i want to be that friend.
i am yours. always.

the end.

time moves so quickly alone.

no one to write about and nowhere to go.

the nights are as cold as they are empty.

i try to close my eyes and dream the good dreams.

of all of the times you were there for me.

when the sun shined brighter and the flowers bloomed wider.

colors were vivid and music was peaceful.

the night you disappeared was the night my entire life came crashing down around me.

i never imagined anything could ever hurt so bad.

breaking my leg, losing our child, grasping a hot iron...

nothing could have ever felt that bad.

the farthest i have ever been from love was this exact moment in time.

i have never felt so closed off, yet so open all at once.

maybe i'm imagining everything everything in my head

were you ever even real?

how did you manage to steal so many pieces of me?

where are you hiding them?

where are you hiding the pieces of me that you took with you?

where is the end to all of this pain?

how could you just leave...not a trace or a peep?

it took me a second to realize you were gone, weeks for the reality to set in, months for the tears to stop and years for the pain to never subside.

i don't ever expect you to come back around, nor would i want you to.

all i need is to know that the experience was real.

that this all wasn't just a dream.

we never broadcast the lows.
we only celebrate the highs.
posts with fake smiles.
SELFIE TIME
please, no more pictures.
no more fakes.
give me the raw, and the real... let the world figure out where you stand.
dear, if you could see your soul from my eyes, you would know that beauty is only skin deep.



he left. 2 years. wordless.
how can i feel him like he just left 10 minutes ago?
i've tried to let go...repeatedly.
some nights i cry. all alone. shameful.
he was never mine, but pretended i was his.
cut these cords and let it be.
practice self love and learn who i am?
but who am i, without him there, cheering me on to make that next jump?
encourage me to jump, and not look down...
he held my hand through so many set backs, downfalls...tumors.
then...vanished.
thin air can't keep me from feeling the awkward that he left behind.
but every day i'm looking for the man who will hold my hand again...
but this time lead me into the fire.




the last 2 years have been the wildest ride i've ever been on. cancer scare, to tumor, to homelessness, to loss, to even bigger losses.

shattered, shaken. defeated and deprived.
empathy still never left, but it should've at least drowned by now.
find me in this field of green, lying on my back, staring up to the clouds, as if the shapes were all of the answers.
let me be a child again. but, wait, don't.
i can't handle the broken. the bent. the bruised.
if it wasn't for this old soul, there's no way i would have lived to see 5.
at the age of 30 i feel life slipping farther than it did when my dad left.
father... rape, band of brothers...stolen childhood.
i don't trust. but daddy, please show me the light.
i waited for years for an apology.
but i don't dwell. i gave myself my own.
sitting here, empty room. empty space, around my sweat drenched body.
mattress thrown on the floor.
temporary places. temporary houses.
my home walked out of my life 2 years ago, without a word.
not even a good bye, or a middle finger.
i hope he feels the pain that i have felt every night i have laid here, shattered by the words i now know to be lies.
i want them to ricochet through his head, bouncing from wall to wall.
my voice haunting his every thought. his every dream.
i want him to suffer like i have had to.
i need to learn to hate him....need to have that final word. the final FUCK YOU!
being left by every male, since the age of 4 really changes who you are as a woman.
when you find the one... whom you thought would at least be in your life, until one of your souls moves on to a new body....
and he leaves you to go back to his...
you really start to learn even more about yourself.
the loss was never really him. it was never really what you wanted it to be.
you realize, you never grieved the loss of your father, even though he stands in front of you today, and doesn't even know your favorite color, or the size of your shoes.
a man that left you for drugs, 30 years ago.
he will never be what you wanted him to be.
nor will i be enough for him to care.