I must say, in order to keep you all entertained, and under my thumb, I must start posting more often. I've been yelled at by a few these days "SARA WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO POST AGAIN!?" "YOU'RE WRITING CRACKS ME UP!?" Well...how about now? This work good for you?
I intentionally leave y'all hanging...like a whore waiting for her next John to leave her 2 twenty dollar bills after he's had his fun. Oh...wait....did I just say whore? Oops, I meant me... But that a WHOLE different story for an entirely different day.
Scandals are scandals until the next huge dramatic event comes along. Tis the final day of this not so exciting year, and where am I? Home. Cooped up in my 800 and something square foot apartment, dreading the rest of the night ahead of me. I woke up at 0600. Practically on the dot, and well...I go to work in about 3 hours, so the realization of not getting my midnight kiss is slightly daunting. I know we all have those crazy fantasies about meeting some Prince Charming who will rescue you at exactly midnight. Spots you from across the room, realizes you don't have anyone on your arm and debonairly strides across the room, takes your face in their hands and plants the most passionate kiss on your lips. Let's face it. This is reality people. Shit like that doesn't happen to us normal woman.
This is the reality of a night out -
You're out at a bar (let's just 'randomly' use New Years Eve as an occasion...because you have to have an occasion to be out right...*cough*), midnight is approaching soon. We all know it's coming. We scan the room, casually...think ok, I've got a few hours to 1. Get drunk. 2. Find a cute guy and make some kind of good impression and 3. Look super hot doing it. So the hunt is on. Starts off with a a drink and your 2 best friends, whom most likely already have a husband, or date, so you're on your own in the looking department. You attempt to get one of them out on the dance floor - cause shaking your ass ALWAYS works when it comes down to attracting the opposite sex. No takers on the dancing. Then out of the blue (and it NEVER fails), one of your friends gets in a fight with their date. Some other chick looked at him from across the room, or some dude attempted to buy her a drink, whatever the case my be, we know it happens. World War III breaks out. She's cussing at him "You effing bastard, I can't believe you'd try and fuck that"...he's screaming back at her "You're just a jealous broad, get over it! It was nothing..." (now that I'm typing this all out I"m realizing this happens on more than one occasion...am I the only one disturbed by this?)... You have to remove both of them from their corners, take a while to calm them both down. Throw some cold water on the two drunken messes. Then, by the time you realize it, it's almost midnight. That's when the panic starts to set in. You still didn't have time to strut yourself enough to find a cutie to suck face with when that clock strikes Midnight. Your eyes dart around the room...too skinny...too creepy...too old...too fat...too all wrong....then you spot him. Attempt to make your way over, get lost in the crowd, turn and he's either gone, or that's when his girlfriend walks up. Strike one. You look around again. Bartender is kinda cute, but working....you notice an okay fellow, then attempt to play the "he could work" game, in your mind. Before you finally talk yourself into it, he's already talking to another girl. Strike 2. So you decide to just give up. Walk back over to your group. Complain about not having someone, so you resolve to just give up the opposite sex as your New Years resolution. What do we need them for. They're just drama...blah blah blah....drunken arguing going on inside your own head. Then your girl friend says "Don't worry, babe, at midnight you've got me!" Then...because you're intoxicated, you actually start to contemplate this idea...THIS COULD WORK! All I want is a New Years kiss. Doesn't matter who with...besides, she's a good friend...what could it hurt. So you check her out a little. Oooo...soft lips, that'll do, she's got a great smile, she is looking pretty hot in that dress...I could do this. This is really gonna happen. You're boostin' your own ego....
The count down begins
10....9....I'm gonna do this!...8....7....wow, she's actually kinda cute!...6...5...4...fuck yes! i'm gonna do this!...3...2............she turns to you, smiles, you think she's gonna go for it...and then she turns her head WAIT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!? I THOUGHT WE WERE DOING THIS!?.....1......HAPPY NEW YEAR! She goes in for the kiss for her man. In fact, the ENTIRE place is kissing someone. Except you. Ahhh crap. Feels almost awkward that you're standing there alone. You're waiting for everyone to finish. The elephant getting extremely massive in the room. Silence. You standing there...alone. She finishes, turns and gives you a hug to make you not feel left out. You put on your fake happy, smiley face, kicking yourself in your own head because you really had yourself convinced this was going to be a new thing for a new year. You had yourself pretty much set on this lesbian experience to ring in the new year. That's when you realize...you're just drunk stupid! HELLO!?
Midnight is over, go home, kick your heels off, grab a turkey sandwich and plop your ass in front of the couch to watch the footage of everyone else's miraculous time. Whoop-tie doo...a new year. It'll be the same as last year. Can't wait!
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