we never broadcast the lows.
we only celebrate the highs.
posts with fake smiles.
SELFIE TIME
please, no more pictures.
no more fakes.
give me the raw, and the real... let the world figure out where you stand.
dear, if you could see your soul from my eyes, you would know that beauty is only skin deep.



he left. 2 years. wordless.
how can i feel him like he just left 10 minutes ago?
i've tried to let go...repeatedly.
some nights i cry. all alone. shameful.
he was never mine, but pretended i was his.
cut these cords and let it be.
practice self love and learn who i am?
but who am i, without him there, cheering me on to make that next jump?
encourage me to jump, and not look down...
he held my hand through so many set backs, downfalls...tumors.
then...vanished.
thin air can't keep me from feeling the awkward that he left behind.
but every day i'm looking for the man who will hold my hand again...
but this time lead me into the fire.




the last 2 years have been the wildest ride i've ever been on. cancer scare, to tumor, to homelessness, to loss, to even bigger losses.

shattered, shaken. defeated and deprived.
empathy still never left, but it should've at least drowned by now.
find me in this field of green, lying on my back, staring up to the clouds, as if the shapes were all of the answers.
let me be a child again. but, wait, don't.
i can't handle the broken. the bent. the bruised.
if it wasn't for this old soul, there's no way i would have lived to see 5.
at the age of 30 i feel life slipping farther than it did when my dad left.
father... rape, band of brothers...stolen childhood.
i don't trust. but daddy, please show me the light.
i waited for years for an apology.
but i don't dwell. i gave myself my own.
sitting here, empty room. empty space, around my sweat drenched body.
mattress thrown on the floor.
temporary places. temporary houses.
my home walked out of my life 2 years ago, without a word.
not even a good bye, or a middle finger.
i hope he feels the pain that i have felt every night i have laid here, shattered by the words i now know to be lies.
i want them to ricochet through his head, bouncing from wall to wall.
my voice haunting his every thought. his every dream.
i want him to suffer like i have had to.
i need to learn to hate him....need to have that final word. the final FUCK YOU!
being left by every male, since the age of 4 really changes who you are as a woman.
when you find the one... whom you thought would at least be in your life, until one of your souls moves on to a new body....
and he leaves you to go back to his...
you really start to learn even more about yourself.
the loss was never really him. it was never really what you wanted it to be.
you realize, you never grieved the loss of your father, even though he stands in front of you today, and doesn't even know your favorite color, or the size of your shoes.
a man that left you for drugs, 30 years ago.
he will never be what you wanted him to be.
nor will i be enough for him to care.